I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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