I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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