capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
