I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize