so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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