I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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