fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
