Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
