Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
