Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
