dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
