My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
