i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
