If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
