Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
