saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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