You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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