My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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