Ketchup is God's man juice
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think my moral compass just broke
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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