I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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