i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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