Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
