So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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