I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
