omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
