You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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