you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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