I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
