If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Randomize