I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
