we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
