I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i now understand why vodka
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
