Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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