im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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