Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
