why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you made out with another girl for some wings
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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