I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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