Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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