I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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