do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
