i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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