So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
