had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize