After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
