Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize