I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
