I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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