I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
