The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
