I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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