It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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