I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
