I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
