I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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