Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
