just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
