tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
