my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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