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Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
