I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
