i jhust puked up my retainher.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
