I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
