I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
