I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
