we made out on top of his cat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
