Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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