I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
