Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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