I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
