$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
