A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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