I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
