I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize